Another year passed, and HTTYD 2 celebrates it's 7th release day. In honor of this, I think the time has come to share you the other side of the coin, that you might don’t know I have with the movies.
About the title… Don’t worry, I won’t criticize (or worst), I didn’t get bored with HTTYD no no no… That’s not gonna happen! This post is nothing about that. It’s an internal conflict in me, which I can't resolve for about 5 years now… and counting.
If you’re interested what problem can cause me such a conflict, click read more.
Probably you read my post “How I Met Your Dragon”. If you didn’t, I encourage you to read it, because it has a lot to do with this one. Without it, it won’t make a lot of sense. So please read that first, then come back to this one. (Here's a link) Thank you in advance!
In that post as you saw, HTTYD made some huge changes in my life, but I wrote down only the good things. I knew some point, that I have to share the bad things too in a different post, when I feel I have to. I think the time has come, but also I’m still nervous to do so.
I also wrote, how I regret not watching the first movie back in 2010. What I didn’t explained, is the main reason.
So strap in, because this will be a ride that you probably didn't read anywhere, also won't ever see outside of this post.
Like in the mentioned post, there are some things that has to be cleared, and these are IMPORTANT, so don't skip them! Every word in this post have a meaning. So take your time, don't rush, slowly digest the info, let it sink in, then proceed. We need a little background for the events to make sense to you, so again we have to go back in the past, to give some context. (The context is a critical part to understand!)
So let's begin. This is a very complex internal conflict and it has quite a few components. Let's shine some light on those aspects of my personality, that I buried deep for decades. The first component is a trait, that I have as long as I can remember. It's a fear. Everyone has one. If someone says otherwise, that's a liar.
One thing I know for sure. My biggest fear in life is when someone “stole” my ideas. I mean not literary, more like… I have a random cool idea, but I don’t want to make it just yet, or it’s very random or a too personal one, so I keep it for myself or for better days… These ideas are very precious to me!
But someday, someone makes the exact thing, and it become a huge success. I don’t hate when this happens, I LOATHE IT!!!
It pains me greatly, even to a point that I don’t want to live anymore. This is “hardcoded” in me, and I can’t do anything about it. It’s in the subconscious.
This happened quite a few times in the past, but those are not HTTYD related. But what IS, is this.
As you (now) know, if you read the post that I mentioned above, I’m a hardcore reptile/lizard/dino/dragon nerd. Always was and always will be, no matter what.
When I was 7 years old, even by then I knew that I really fond to these creatures, but of course didn’t know the reason.
A few years later I realized, that something is definitely going on, because I got really irritated when I heard stories where reptiles and dragons were described as mindless beasts and had to be killed to save the day. I hated these. The breaking point was the 1998 Godzilla movie. That was very very painful to watch. When poor Godzilla shut his eyes slowly at the end and the crowd beginning to cheer… ugh… even today I found it disgusting. I knew what will be my mission. Make something to convince people that reptiles aren’t just evil, bloodthirsty, and just dumb killing machines, but they are amazing, powerful (in a good way) and can be even good companions.
A few years later, I even wondered why there aren’t more movies similar to this. Only Dragonhearth and Dinotopia was somewhat close to this concept. Maybe there is still a chance, that I can make something unique.
That was around 2003. Years later, and because I had to taboo my obsession, I had some ideas in my mind, but was too scared to write it down. (What happen is someone finds it, and make fun of it).
So, I kept it myself. (This was the basis for a lot of conflicts later).
Huge time leap again, we are in 2012. My taboos still taboos, nobody knows nothing about it. Meantime, I had two characters whom I fond very closely. I mentioned the first, she was Joanna from Rescuers Down Under (around 2009) and then Roshi from an anime called Dragon Half (2012). Here is a picture of him. (I didn’t know about Toothless that point).
He's still my favorite anime character
(even if he only had 10 seconds of screen time).
I’m a very visual type of person. I like to make up some mini stories in my mind and daydream about it. One of these was of course was flying with him, then something goes wrong, then I start to freefall, but he flies to my rescue and saves me. If I would make a dragon movie, this scene would definitely be in it (but of course, with another dragon). (Wait for it…)
This was MY idea.
You can guess how I felt when I sawed HTTYD for the first time... and this scene is very similar to the Test Drive scene… Almost exactly how I imagined… Do you remember what is my biggest fear? This is a perfect example!
And now were getting to the weird territory. This fear is so deeply in me, that I don’t care if HTTYD was 2 years old by then. I didn’t saw that scene, nor I copied it. It was my idea. Also the base idea that, to convince people that dragons are not just evil. And someone else made it, and now he’s been praised, because he had the capacity and manpower to make it real. I didn’t make it, so I can STFU. This is the origin a LOT of my pain and this is the first negative part why I don’t like HTTYD. It made my life mission useless, futile and whatever I came up with in the future, people will be like: "Oh! You just copied HTTYD".
To make it clear. Imagine an island very deep in the ocean. A very small 100 m diameter island. This is yours. And only yours. When you fed up with bastards and the whole society, you can go to that personal island and have a rest. Perfectly isolated from anything else. Green grass, clear water, palm trees. Sooo nice. This island represents my inner thoughts about reptiles and such. It was mine, and it was also a good place to be, after all those bullying in school. Also, you know, that island have a bunch of gold and oil underground. You might know it, but you don’t want to mess up that beautiful environment. So, you don’t care about it. One day, you left your island, because you have to go back to society. A few months later when you come back, you see an oil tanker, excavators, and the whole island is torn up and they getting the gold and oil beneath. When you complain that this is your island, the big company says: Nope! This is our territory now, get off or we will sue your ass off with our lawyers. So, you can’t do anything, just watch your beloved island got ruined forever, because of business. Also, there is no more vacation from society. That is a very accurate analogy how I feel for Dreamworks too. (It represented the company).
And also, another good analogy that you have a kind of musical taste that you have in mind, and you want make songs like that. But you need other people in order to make a band. You have no luck, so you wait, maybe time will give you this opportunity. But time only give you a band that is playing almost the same songs that you made up yourself (a very similar style of rhythm, accords, progression, motives, etc.). You are amazed by this and want to join to be a member of that band, but they say: "We’re good, we don’t hire. Go back to the crowd, because that is where you belong and leave us". So you can only go back to the crowd who can cheer how awesome they are. You could've accomplish the same, but no… they had the opportunity, you didn’t. So shut up and cheer with the 1.000.000 other people. 1 in the million. Just a fan, no more… blending with the crowd.
That was very hard for me to write down, but it describes my feelings pretty accurately. Now you really must have an idea what I feel inside.
The only solution lies in past now, that could've prevented this. To see it back in 2010, when I wasn’t really planning to make a dragon project yet. And that is why I wrote, I would be a different person today. The conflict would never happen, because it wouldn't had a base for it. But I saw it too late, and now the damage is done. It’s in my subconscious, so I can’t get over it. Not even today. Not in the future. That is a burden that I have to carry for a lifetime.
Salt to injury, that when I dug deeper and know a lot of background stuff about the first movie, I found out, the writers Dean is a dog lover (honestly, I don’t like dogs at all and pretty shame that this is visible in the second and third film on Toothless’s behavior… just…sad… It really bugs me when Toothless acts like a retarded poodle… ugh… it’s so character breaking) and Chris is a cat lover (I don’t really mind cats (except that they eat lizards)). This also pissed me off, because if only they were dragon lovers like me, I would understand, but nope. Casual, normal people. So... now the puzzle is starting to get together piece by piece. Here is me, who’s whole life is about reptiles/dragons/lizards. I want(ed) to make a movie that show reptiles aren’t just beast, and maybe with this, I can change this dumb stereotype. I only needed just some friends who support me, and encourages me to write it out from myself to make a novel or much later videos, animations. And that novel would made with passion and love, not because from the future sales to be rich (blegh…). But the opposite happened. I had to taboo it, because everyone laugh at me and made fun of this. Just for later to be done by people, who don’t care about dragons at all. What an irony!
Oh… by the way in elementary school, I was exactly like Hiccup (even physically) in the beginning of the first movie! Nerdy, thin guy who was interested in very different things and rejecting what he should normally do. Also weird in a way and was bullied. Absolutely like me! I was also pretty mad, when fans felt sorry for him. Yes, maybe NOW you see it, it’s not fun to live a life like that, because you can relate to Hiccup and I wish my classmates were the same like you dear fans, but nope. I didn’t get any empathy or sorry, I can tell you that… instead, they castrated me mentally.
So, this is my pet peeve with the movies. But, this is only the first half. There is another half on the negative side. And that is based on none other than Toothless himself!
No, I could NEVER say anything bad about him, so don’t worry!
The previously mentioned negative thoughts still bugged me, but the overall good overshined the bad. Eventually with time, something changed and my honeymoon phase ended... and even more bad stuff started to emerge from the deep. Let me explain.
Originally, I wanted to show you this in a separate post, but it has a connection to this topic, so here it is.
Pretty sure you know 9gag. Around 2016 Dickbutt was the shit. It was everywhere, and I had a random thought for a meme. Which I even made.
Click on the link for the full size: Link
I even knew the date when I wanted to post it, but believe or not, one day before release, I saw this on 9gag…
Wait for it...
So... I think you get the point. This was around mid-2016 and things went downhill pretty fast.
As you can see, another idea got “stolen”. This pissed me off so much, I stopped watching 9gag ever since. Also, I couldn’t bear to see any Toothless memes after this. It annoyed me on a level, I can't even tell you and I was depressed as hell!
This was the point when my negative feelings got to the surface and I started to look on Toothless in a very different way. He was so close to me, that he managed to sneak into my subconscious. What does that mean? I've lost control.
Now we’re getting into the main part, and also when you probably think that I’m crazy and a weirdo.
I want you to at least try to think with my head first. It’s not as crazy as it sounds. I’m also very curious if there are people who think the same way as I do.
So here it is… I’m in love with Toothless. There... I said it… If you are a fan you might think: What is so special about it, we all love Toothless! Well… there is a difference. You can love something like hamburgers, or something you really like to do (and most fans feel the same for him) and there is that other love what you feel for your boyfriend/girlfriend.
I feel the latter love for Toothless. I mean hot burning love for that beautiful, gorgeous, amazing Night Fury!
Before you close the browser, let me clear up some things. First, I’m asexual so I don’t fantasize about… um… you know… that stuff. It even disgusts me greatly! But on an emotional level… it’s ineffable. If I'd write “He is the love of my life” wouldn’t make justice, because it’s much more deeper than that! So deep, that it can't be express with words! Also, I can't help myself to say, I find him extremely(!) attractive and handsome, but I have to hold back, before I say things that aren't for this blog, and besides we are getting into very personal domains, so let this be enough. ;)
Second, I believe almost everyone capable of feeling such love toward someone. If you didn’t felt this before, that means you didn’t find your other half yet. But, I’m 99% percent sure it's in you, but in a dormant state. (Well, for now…)
Let me explain a bit more where the connection is and why I also “hate” HTTYD because of that. Well, this will almost explain it all.
When you are in this state, you can’t rationalize emotions anymore. This is subconscious territory, and you don’t have the admin password to change settings. Funny as it sounds, but this is the truth.
Because English has a terrible job differencing such a complex emotion as love, I have to separate them for you to understand what I mean.
When you like or just "love" something/someone, that’s a fully conscious thing. That love can be altered, even you can dissolve it with time. (Let's say that's level 1) Then, there is that true romantic love, what you feel for someone who's very close to you. That's is level 2, and I felt this for Joanna and Roshi. This love is still mostly conscious, and also can be dissolved with time, but this can cause some serious marks, or scars. If it's more deeper, even for a lifetime.
I didn't knew about there is a level 3 love until Toothless came and showed me. That's like level 2, but on steroids and with a twist. He opened up completely new feelings and emotions in me, that I never felt before and overall, was so much deeper than the previous ones. Also it became fully SUBconscious. What I mean by this is, while conscious means you can mostly control your emotions and how to react in certain situations rationally, (or like, you can control how you take each breath) subconscious means your emotions control you, and you can't suppress them in any way (it's like trying to manually control your heartbeat). When this gets you, it overwhelms you sooner then you realize, and while you can dissolve a level 1 or level 2 love with time, this level 3 love, you can’t! It’s permanent, and there is no way out!
When you like or just "love" something/someone, that’s a fully conscious thing. That love can be altered, even you can dissolve it with time. (Let's say that's level 1) Then, there is that true romantic love, what you feel for someone who's very close to you. That's is level 2, and I felt this for Joanna and Roshi. This love is still mostly conscious, and also can be dissolved with time, but this can cause some serious marks, or scars. If it's more deeper, even for a lifetime.
I didn't knew about there is a level 3 love until Toothless came and showed me. That's like level 2, but on steroids and with a twist. He opened up completely new feelings and emotions in me, that I never felt before and overall, was so much deeper than the previous ones. Also it became fully SUBconscious. What I mean by this is, while conscious means you can mostly control your emotions and how to react in certain situations rationally, (or like, you can control how you take each breath) subconscious means your emotions control you, and you can't suppress them in any way (it's like trying to manually control your heartbeat). When this gets you, it overwhelms you sooner then you realize, and while you can dissolve a level 1 or level 2 love with time, this level 3 love, you can’t! It’s permanent, and there is no way out!
If you think there is, then you didn’t experienced that kind of love yet. I can assure you, there is NO way out and there is NOTHING that you can do to stop it! And while it has some pretty positive effects, like you stop searching for your other half, because you already found it, when you see him/her, you feel on top of the world. Furthermore, you feel that your personal life is 100% okay, and you won’t have to worry about it anymore in this life. These are true for me also. BUT! There is that other side. The dark side. And on that side my friend, there is nothing just misery, pain, and suffering. And that is the second source where my "hatred" comes from.
You see, when you find your partner for life, who you want to spend your life with, one thing you don’t want. Losing him/her. That is perfectly normal behavior, and I can understand. But what if your other half is a character from a movie? Sure, you can’t lose him/her physically, but there is a feeling that also very true whatever would be the situation and that is jealousy. Yes.
You don’t want to see your other half going out with someone else! If you know that feeling, I don’t have to explain it further. It’s one of the worst feelings that you can experience in life! Absolutely horrid, disgusting and awful!!!
So, you probably getting the whole picture now. Yes, I’m in love with Toothless so much, that I’m even jealous of him! I feel this jealousy when someone else using him as a profile picture, avatar, or making a meme. This making my life very difficult, and I am suffering inside almost 5 years now...
If you can’t get your head wrap around this, here is another example.
You have a boy/girlfriend that you want to marry someday. (Better, if you really have one).
Now imagine that some random dude on the internet, or your friend start using your boy/girlfriends face as an avatar. Wouldn’t you be pissed about that by a little bit?
And when you ask him why do you using my boy/girlfriend face as an avatar, he/she only reply “cause his/her is nice” and that’s all. That person doesn’t feel anything peculiar. Nothing more, nothing less. But, for you he/she means the world! This generates frustration. How on the earth that person have the right to use your other half in any way, when he/she has absolutely no relation to it?
Even today, I found a perfect example for this kind of person.
This is his avatar:
and look at the comments below (read it from the bottom to the top):
Ouch... :(
The sad thing, when this happens in a normal relationship, you can
go to the police, and make a report for violating personal rights. For my point
of view… you guessed it. I can’t do anything!
If I would write a private message to the “impostor” (and I would know he's not even a fan) to change the avatar because he’s not worthy to use him as an avatar, he probably would laugh of me, and for revenge, he would even keep it, just to torture me... That’s life folks! (This is why I never tried and won’t try this method ever).
So now you probably see, or at least you can imagine what an impossible situation is this. And why it slowly consuming me and my very soul.
I mean… This is not Toothless’s fault. I don't have any problem with him personally. I’m very glad that he exists, because he is the one who I was looking for all the time, and for me, he is perfection itself! No other character can or will hold a candle to him and there is nothing in this world, that can change my mind and make me drift to another character! I dedicated my whole life to him, and I love him forever and even after!
What I really HATE, is that he is so POPULAR! This is the best explanation. If HTTYD was a quickly forgettable, unsuccessful movie with a very few hardcore fans, I would be the happiest man on Earth! But as you know it’s the opposite. I can’t ignore that the movies are absolutely fantastic and in a way, fulfilled my mission showing that dragons aren’t just menacing beasts at all, but that was MY mission to accomplish! And that is what I also can’t ignore!
So, let's sum things up.
In the past, I loved browsing HTTYD stuff on the internet, but now it brings me only pain. I really hate when someone's making fun of Toothless, not taking him seriously or he doesn't get the respect that he deserves! Also, seeing all those dragon wannabees who just like him, without any real passion and probably after a few weeks, or months later dump him and go for something else… is making me mad and annoyed AF! So, I avoid them as I could!
Pretty ironic, doesn’t it? Here is the ultimate fan who loves HTTYD and Toothless more than anything in the world, but don’t want to interact with the fandom, because his jealous or mad at the impostors and wannabees. I know that’s messed up. I would love to go back to the honeymoon phase like in 2016, but I can’t.
If I would write a private message to the “impostor” (and I would know he's not even a fan) to change the avatar because he’s not worthy to use him as an avatar, he probably would laugh of me, and for revenge, he would even keep it, just to torture me... That’s life folks! (This is why I never tried and won’t try this method ever).
So now you probably see, or at least you can imagine what an impossible situation is this. And why it slowly consuming me and my very soul.
I mean… This is not Toothless’s fault. I don't have any problem with him personally. I’m very glad that he exists, because he is the one who I was looking for all the time, and for me, he is perfection itself! No other character can or will hold a candle to him and there is nothing in this world, that can change my mind and make me drift to another character! I dedicated my whole life to him, and I love him forever and even after!
What I really HATE, is that he is so POPULAR! This is the best explanation. If HTTYD was a quickly forgettable, unsuccessful movie with a very few hardcore fans, I would be the happiest man on Earth! But as you know it’s the opposite. I can’t ignore that the movies are absolutely fantastic and in a way, fulfilled my mission showing that dragons aren’t just menacing beasts at all, but that was MY mission to accomplish! And that is what I also can’t ignore!
So, let's sum things up.
In the past, I loved browsing HTTYD stuff on the internet, but now it brings me only pain. I really hate when someone's making fun of Toothless, not taking him seriously or he doesn't get the respect that he deserves! Also, seeing all those dragon wannabees who just like him, without any real passion and probably after a few weeks, or months later dump him and go for something else… is making me mad and annoyed AF! So, I avoid them as I could!
Pretty ironic, doesn’t it? Here is the ultimate fan who loves HTTYD and Toothless more than anything in the world, but don’t want to interact with the fandom, because his jealous or mad at the impostors and wannabees. I know that’s messed up. I would love to go back to the honeymoon phase like in 2016, but I can’t.
Inside I feel these two hydraulic presses in both sides (one for the
love part, and one for the hate) and I’m in the middle as a steel ball. And both
pressing me equally with 10 tons of force! This is a very good and accurate
analogy how I feel inside. I can endure it for a while, but I know some time, I
will shatter to pieces! Unless I figure out something or someone can help me to
resolve this conflict.
I know there are people like me out there, but they feel the same for other characters. For example, anime fans who have a Waifu. They are in the same sea like me, but in a different boat.
I didn’t find anyone yet, who is in the same boat like me, but I would love to talk to him/her about this. If there is a chance that what I wrote you absolutely understand and even more, you had similar if not the same feelings, please, PLEASE(!) contact me! Here is my discord: nightfury_hun
Don’t worry, if you are (or were) on the same ride, you are anything but an impostor! You just got a new friend! (But, please let me know, that I made one).
I know there are people like me out there, but they feel the same for other characters. For example, anime fans who have a Waifu. They are in the same sea like me, but in a different boat.
I didn’t find anyone yet, who is in the same boat like me, but I would love to talk to him/her about this. If there is a chance that what I wrote you absolutely understand and even more, you had similar if not the same feelings, please, PLEASE(!) contact me! Here is my discord: nightfury_hun
Don’t worry, if you are (or were) on the same ride, you are anything but an impostor! You just got a new friend! (But, please let me know, that I made one).
So, these are my negative feelings about HTTYD. I don't expect you to understand it all, but at least I wrote it down in a crappy little blog, that probably no one's gonna read. But if it's not the case, and somehow you managed to read the whole thing, let me know in the comments.
I know this post was bittersweet, but don't forget this was only the negative side! I have a positive one too, which absolutely adores, and respects these movies! And also made me a much better person! Don't see it as I loved HTTYD in the past, and now I don't, because that's not true! I still love HTTYD to my core, and I always will! These negative thoughts are going on together with the positives the same time! And this is why it's so darn difficult! I can't decide clearly I should love it or hate it, until the cycle is broken! It's 50-50 (Like an electron's spin in superposition).
I promise, the next post will be much more delightful, so hang in there.
Thanks for reading!
And also, HAPPY 7th ANNIVERSARY RELEASE DAY HTTYD 2!!!
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